i’ve learned a lot of things the hard way. a lot of things. so many that i feel lucky to have made it through the sometimes deadly terrain of the hard way alive. and i’m really, really alive.  i feel i’ve perfected the hard way and am ready to move on.

mastery of the hard way* means i can have some faith in myself, take some more risks, better calculated, and know i’ll survive them (probably). mastery of the hard way my way means i’m becoming my best self, by the skin of my teeth, and having a blast pulling it off. that last part is important…kinda the whole point actually. i’m trying hard to shorten the list of possible things i might regret not doing in one lifetime. i might be more dedicated than most, i’m not sure. i’ve lived until it hurt, seen my best guesses blow apart and found myself more raw than i ever realized was possible. i’ve done that a few times, actually. still, part of the essential me always comes back and, these days especially, is coming out sound, strong, kind and present.

so i’m writing here and evolving here. i’m finding a voice. which probably sounds strange coming from someone who talks a lot for a living. maybe you’ll help. i’m not even sure who “you” is supposed to be (maybe you aren’t either), but i’m tired of waiting for the perfect _(infinite list of fill-ins)__ to get it started. we all have dreams that poke at us using different voices, sometimes encouraging, sometimes discouraging. at least i think we all do. most of us? i guess all i really know is that i’m living my dreams right now, nightmares and all. every day. one day at a time. and if you read this, you’ve made your contribution to the softer of those dreams, and most passionate. i’m not sure yet how a blog might change my life, or how my blog might change your life…i’m not sure just how a blog would do all of that. in fact i hate the word “blog,” which closely follows “blogger” on the short list of Words I Loathe. i am sure, though, that there’s a way to live across this whole spectrum of feeling we’re given and be full, be happy, be mindful, be free and make this life a giant rainbow of fruit flavors for ourselves. i’m a living example. and for once, making an example of me sounds pretty fun.

now i want fruit flavors. midnight snack. right on time.

*one time disclaimer: mastery of this page and of formal grammar rules means i can do what i want on these pages with all grammar – punctuation…word parts…spelling….sentence structure, etc. and to read this you will have to forgive my abhorrence for capital letters. it’s a personal thing, developed over time. i’m sorry if it makes reading harder, i just like the small ones better. i don’t have a more complicated artistic reason. also, i think in ellipses…a lot. let’s just get that out of the way. i like to think of it as “lyrical.” if i think of it at all.