ahhhh! there is so much going on right now. my action figure life peaks plaintively from behind this blinking cursor…my friend and frenemy…and i’m left wondering where all of this input is supposed to settle in my brainscape. a lost week and some lost momentum, and now i want to believe that this blur forms one bigger, messier image…the kind of image that begs a wider viewpoint in search of its broad, obvious pattern, a pattern i won’t likely see until my deathbed or later.
so i’m down here in the weeds, and my thoughts argue like schizophrenic contrarians as i sort out my today, tomorrow and someday lists. the toughest concepts i consider are cluttered with possibilities and probabilities, and little pieces of scrap paper that say things like, has boston been kicked out of the wild card race yet? and ooh, saints 2-1…when’s a good time for a football party? or i wonder if a truckload of mulch in the back yard would make the last month’s worth of dog crap go away?
i want to do too much, i know. my bucket list is 5 lifetimes long. sigh. take a deep breath, trish. as i do, my mind skips around on wilco tunes i heard live last night, to the place where i recharged my soul the way i do, by sitting in front of screaming speaker stacks. now it’s monday and i’m thinking about my trip at the end of this week and the details that go into business travel and vacationing with a two year old. at the same time, i’m wondering when i’ll get my daughter down to see her grandparents in florida again, when she’ll grow into a big girl bed or out of of diapers or how i will manage preschool next year. someone asked me this weekend if i had a costume picked out for my dog for halloween, which made me look at them funny and then wonder if i could just take him for another overdue walk and pretend he’s my daughter...oh, this? i found a new pattern and some fabric on sale…what does roscoe say, honey?
and there goes everyone telling me to get ahead of myself again. (a lyric drifts maniacally through my head…it’s still summer somewhere, and i guess i better go there…). meanwhile i’m trying to remember to get the trash to the curb, take my medicine on time, get my daughter to daycare and home, make a follow up appointment for the bleeding kidney thing, figure out when i can weed the front yard, get my animals to a new vet, get my teeth to a new dentist, my car to the new tire and brakes store (right next to the new tire and brakes money machine), and (EGADS!), i could do this forever. holy overwhelming life. one day at a time, trish, one day at a time. oh, and there’s still that full time job thing.
i think this is my midlife crisis. i’m not sure what it’s supposed to look like on a woman. i want to begin my second half, the next 40 years, if only for a second, with all my ducks in a perfect little squawking row….so i guess i’ve got about 9 months to sort it all out. Haha! is it so strange that i want to start with a fresh and clean to do list of tasks and dreams, in place of the churn i feel each morning as a i wake? still, i’m willing to bet that’s a dragon i can’t catch, no matter how earnest the chase. somewhere in college, everything i i thought i needed to do fit on a list. i kept that list tidy and up to date (three lists actually, non-electronic, cross-referenced in case i lost one – um, yes, it was clinical and i’ve addressed the issue). i’m not even sure when i lost control of that list…or when the somedays turned into tomorrows, then todays and then yesterdays. i’m guessing it was probably about the time i started Living.
and now it’s all about priorities…lists that never end, items that simply slip from place to place in order of perceived importance, relevance…some that linger at the bottoms of those lists only to nag and drag at my sleep in perpetuity. the best i can do is prioritize well. i’m writing this realizing, for the 100th time, that i will likely never feel, “all caught up” again. sigh. it’s almost too much.
so i’m going to crawl back to my coffee carafe, try to sort through some of these priorities and cheer up. i want a simple life. is there such a thing? for trish? perhaps keeping that simple life alive in my imagination is how i prioritize, how i keep the outrage to a lovable, livable roar, and the closest i’ll get until it’s all as simple as soft food and activities of daily living. some people like to tell me that if i don’t slow down, i’ll get there sooner than i think. sigh. i’m 39. my child hasn’t even started pre-school yet. i haven’t officially opened doors on my own business yet…the one i see as the backdrop for the “second set” of my life. did i miss intermission? i could have used the pee break.