i’m thinking about halloween this morning and wondering how i can dress up as one of my own demons. people have all kinds of demons…little drinking demons, big abusive demons, sneaky demons with credit cards and chubby demons with cupcakes. my demons chase me around taunting me with questions, what makes you think you are so special? there are so many writers and talented people willing to work harder than you…what makes you think you are good enough? you deserve nothing more than a boring life, a rolling grindstone and a smooth nose, like generations of your family before you. their chorus of jeers pressures me to do everything better and faster if i want something different from this life, all while telling me it’s already too late.
too late for what? i’m 39. on paper, i’ve got everything i need to start earning my living by living my dreams. so why don’t i just “start?” why am i lamenting here? the voices of the mind drowning the desires of the heart, it is so common but so powerful a deterrent to living our best outrageous lives as our best outrageous selves. we all hear them. those little devils go from door to door, chirping at all of us, weaving themselves into the fabric of our entire lives like beatles melodies or ed hardy drawings.
today my demons deliver me a crisis of courage…and motivation. they take advantage of this rain. they kick me around after a righteous round of sickness. so what does my halloween costume look like? what is the manifestation? a drunken, half-dead kerouac? a two-headed beast of parental practicality? a guilty catholic? i don’t know…but they are chasing me today…all my scariest specters are out, telling me that there are even more hiding in the october colored bushes. let’s get all of the ghouls out and slain…i’ve got business to attend to and dreams to fulfill. maybe i need a ghostbuster. i bet they have a website now. i should check groupon too. i don’t know, maybe i’d get a better deal once the halloween goblins and ghosts of all those christmases dry up.
time for the littlest ghoul to take over my day. she and spongebob are working out their agenda. according to her adamant commands, he will start his day upside down. yeah. he and i both.