Tag Archives: holiday

bah-humblog – 12 reasons the 12 days make nice people curse


i know that part of my grump is that i haven’t found (or made) time to write much here this december. i’ve got a bag of excuses…er…reasons, but the ultimate result is that i get cranky at the world and physics for denying me peaceful blog-writing mornings. and, no, it’s not my fault for over-committing…it’s everyone else’s fault for scheduling stuff i have to do in addition to what i want to do.

i’ve been rather grumpy all season as i navigate a metro exploding with %$@&# cheerful holiday traffic and mirthy #%$@?! shoppers. this happens to me often here in the DC area. i’ve lived a lot of places, including NYC, and never had such difficulty simply moving about the county…or my neighborhood…as i do in this region. it is virtually paralyzed with self-entitlement.

so on the one hand, i giggle at my christmas decorations and the gifts i’ll wrap for littlebean. she’s finally old enough to have santa intrigue and it’s getting fun. we drive around after daycare, just as it gets dark, looking at festive lights plus santa flying an inflatable “hoppa-hopter” next to a charlie-brown/snoopy blowup doll…er…inflatable decoration. her excitement is infectiously simple. on the other hand, my disgust is palpable and my lip curls as it tries to wrangle curses against humanity back into my mouth before littlebean or santa call me out on the whole “kindness” thing.

so here are 12 things that suck the joy right out of joyous this season, leaving me only with -ous, which, all by itself and hanging on to that “o,” is worth less than that lump of coal santa illegally mined for me and smuggled around customs with the help of his evil elf cartel. by the way, has anyone checked that guy’s tourist visa lately? what makes him so special that border patrol just stands and smiles at those reindeer leaping effortlessly over every entry point? can he still deliver to arizona, or is that now an asterisk in his terms and conditions? (better known as Clause’s Clauses. nerd flag – contracting humor).

  1. elves on shelves. i will buy one and post pictures of it doing silly things right after i finish reading the Twilight trilogy. (i’m ok with you guys that post the really twisted ones…not like “whisky elf,” more twisted…like “homophobes-gone-wild elf.”)
  2. people who are offended by the phrase Happy Holidays
  3. drivers who do 60 in the shopping center parking lot because their spot proximity and shopping urgency are clearly more important than the health of their souls or the more “pedestrian” lives of others.
  4. the “pedestrian” girl on her phone who stopped mid-crosswalk, close enough to touch the passing…FIRETRUCK, lights flashing, sirens wailing…after it slowed down and gunned the engine a few times in efforts to suggest that she back the #@?* up! 
  5. people who keep talking nasty politics out of one side of their mouths while chirping merrily about good king wenceslas and his alms to the poor out of the other.
  6. the argument between the shopper coming in through double doors and a be-wheelchaired old lady’s caretaker trying to exit with her charge. hey, caretaker lady, you both set off the automatic doors at the same time…shopper lady politely said, “excuse me” and stepped to one side as she entered. i’m sorry that no one set up a parade route with cones and cops to celebrate your attitude or trip to the car.
  7. the fact that three vendors from whom i tried to order my perfect new tree-topper cancelled only a few hours later after realizing they were out of stock. that sounds so lame…a tree topper obsession and complaint from someone who throws up a little in her mouth at “christmas all year” stores. (sheepishly) it was a really cool and funky tree topper that would have matched my cool and funky purple and amber chandelier, ok?
  8. the fact that regular stores don’t carry skydiving ornaments
  9. that there are no “free gifts” available were i to purchase myself some department store make-up…only “sales” on holiday gift packages full of crap i don’t want. (ok, that sounds SO high maintenance. department store make-up. ha. but if you are strategic, you can cheap out compared to a drugstore. oooh-  there’s a blog post to get me Freshly Pressed…Beauty Bargains: 5 ways to get department store make-up at drugstore prices!! i might even make Yahoo Shine!)
  10. trying to split a toddler’s christmas for the first time between two loving parents whose love for each other wasn’t enough.
  11. the memory of the last two holiday seasons that we celebrated in a our own vacuum of sorrow and pain
  12. the attack tree i bought by accident and had to decorate with long sleeves and yard gloves. tip: if you’d like to keep pets and children far from your christmas tree, go for the Colorado Blue Spruce. and a bottle of bactine.

there, maybe by sharing some of this rant, the season will quit chapping my ass. or maybe i need to put on the assless leather chaps from my mardi gras costume. i remember being in a really good mood in those chaps. hmmm. a perfect new actionfiguretrish holiday tradition.

my kid is SO gonna be the one with the weird, embarrassing mom.


hey folks…there’s a parade sign up sheet in the back of tomorrow…


well, the monday funk is cleared from my house and life. the dog seems back in some digestive sorts, the trash is at the curb and i survived the day with some pretty good attitude left over. go figure. apparently life really does run smoother and is more fulfilling if you stop and smell…well…let’s say, “the moment.”

so i’m up early this morning (yay!) like i used to be every day….eyes cracking open in the still-dark moments just before the sounding of an alarm i usually ignore. it’s a perfect way to start a Procrastinator’s Work Day. i wish some of the rest of the world would take the day off..just not the customer service providers i need to accomplish all of the administrative tasks i’ve been avoiding. the rest of you can pour a nip of baileys’ in your coffee and call it a holiday…and let my bosses and clients know, ok?

actually, Procrastinator’s Work Day will include lots of 9-5 administrivia…things the corporate organization needs from me along with organization my corporate things need from me….corporate “things” including my poor, set adrift on a sea of hands-off management employees. i can’t fix my clients’ schedules (and i don’t mean repair…i mean fix any portion of their schedules or requirements to help in my long term planning), but i can make a good show of publicizing our chronic disorder, and maybe start a support group for sufferers of my projects.

they say the great thing about procrastination is that you always have something to look forward to. so, in essence, i’ve looked forward to this day for weeks…months even for some of these tasks…but more with obvious dread than mindfully savored anticipation. in fact, i’ve let it beat me with miniature whips of discontent and flagellation for so long, i would be numb save for the bloodletting. upon closer examination this morning, i can see that those tiny whips and the thousands of burning cuts i’m nursing are all made from little notes with the word “should” printed on each razor’s edge. today i will jump into my vat of bactine, slather on the neosporin and knock out this post-it paper monster. (i’m picturing the monster on the cover of the Office Space DVD as it collapses, its superhero costume now a soggy pile of paper and weak glue soaked with my blood, sweat and tears.)

in solemn recognition of our fallen procrastinating brethren, i vow to slay this yellow dragon monster thingy today and lay a few ineffective traps to keep its eggs from hatching and over-running my to-do box again…and i pledge to do it with flair, attitude and expression. after all, to swipe another thing someone said about procrastination….it’s the Art of keeping up with yesterday (Don Marquis). i figure that since procrastination seems more of a personality trait than a habit, and since how it seems is just one more thing determined by this blinded beholder, i must stop “suffering” my procrastination and embrace it, sell it, pretty it up and write poems about it…after all, one woman’s garbage is another woman’s art, right…i’m sure someone credible has said that too.

three cups of coffee, a pile of paper and phone numbers, a blog post done before business hours…i’m on a roll, in a role. i’m Queen of the Procrastination Parade, practicing my cupped-hand royal wave as i glide by, smiling unnaturally through vaselined teeth. feel free to join me, fall in step behind, fly your proud procastinator flags and knock out some annoying shit. or, if you’re not in the mood today, just say you’ll join me next year…or maybe the one after that.