ok, fine. i have to get in here and write something before the amount of aggravation in my bloodstream overwhelms my sarcasm gland. today is one of the ones where people keep expecting me to deliver things i’ve promised and meet deadlines who clearly have plenty of friends already, as evidenced by how well others meet with them on a regular schedule.

i’m also having a very passive-aggressive day with my various forms of electronica. i’ve been taking things very personally…like slow response times from my laptop and its inability to prevent all operator errors and/or to stop the release of curse words embedded in various programs designed to frustrate me. i’m wasting precious time trying unsuccessfully to concoct a plan to hurt my computer’s feelings the way it’s hurt me today. i’m accepting all suggestions, short of the Office Space stomp.

in other words, i’m cranky and it’s obviously someone else’s fault. i started out ok this morning, but so far i haven’t been able to pull together the perfect, flowing work day that then translates into the perfect, flowing week-long routine, or the perfect, flowing lifestyle of grace and fitness, comfort and ease. what the hell is wrong with me??? i’ve had 4 whole months since my divorce, a good 20 years of adulthood, 2.5 years of motherhood…certainly no interruptions, life changes or setbacks to speak of…why aren’t i and all my days perfect and exactly how i want them to be? ARG!

breathe, breathe. am i alone on this one? how am i suppose to succeed without keeping myself to impossible standards? i look around my world, and for many folks, they don’t seem like impossible standards at all. i see them everywhere…people who are happy, fit, balanced, hardworking, successful, kind, nurturing, magnanimous, consistent, on time…these people volunteer, love the outdoors, train for marathons, raise special-needs quads, work on their third masters degrees, publish short stories and academic papers in their off-time, remember everyone’s birthday and still send christmas cards in november, right after daily yoga and at least an hour of meditation.

but see…here’s the thing…i know better, intellectually speaking. i just need to feel it. so i’m spending a lot of time today trying to be happy with my imperfect performance in this life. i’m trying to take my own advice, and to stop looking at myself through the funhouse mirror of losers in my head. i’m here blowing off some perfectionist steam so i can stop blaming everyone and everything else for all the reasons i’m not happy, fit, balanced, hardworking, successful, kind, nurturing, magnanimous, consistent, on time….all the time.

shake it off, trish. we can fail at things and not be failures. we will always fail at things, so i really, really need that to be true. i’m in a giant hall of funhouse mirrors today and i’m ready to get to the funny-looking reflections instead of these creepy portraits of self-loathing. ok, self-loathing is a bit strong…most of the time. the funny thing about negative feelings, self-images, grieving, fear and pain is that no matter how much we intellectually understand their role in the human experience, they still suck at the time. even this little aggravating, sneaky hate spiral kind of thursday morning stuff.

breathe, breathe. laugh, laugh….(i’d seen this some time ago, but was reminded yesterday of its brilliance…thank you best friend and the Universe…you knew i would need this today):

http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2010/05/sneaky-hate-spiral.html