Tag Archives: faith

running down a dream…sucking wind and smiling

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i’m getting a late start this morning on my post, not for lack of enthusiasm or words, but because writing something that fulfills me every day is not yet my full time job…emphasis on “yet.” i am walking a narrow wall of faith right now believing in myself and in others’ belief in me. i must stay convinced that one day soon i will find fruition, that my 25 year old dreams and fantasies were not planted in my mind to torture me, but to call me.

following your dreams is scary. i do a lot of practical things well, so why not just do those? predictable, steady, secure…or so it seems. what is secure anymore? is there anything we can count on in these turbulent times? has there ever been anything we could really count on besides ourselves? hell, we even let ourselves down often enough to question our fortitude and dependability. all i really know is that if i am fortunate to wake up on any given day, i will breathe, and i will care for my daughter…beyond that i make no promises but to approach the challenges and victories of the day with kindness and Love. security is an illusion, especially when it remains at the mercy of your boss or some anonymous shareholders…shareholders who don’t know you as a person, and who see their fortunes rise and fall with every expenditure your company makes.  security is an illusion…cataclysmic events can come at anytime…cosmic events, personal developments. here i am, back to that tired “carpe diem” concept, oh captain my ho-hum captain.

but i’m not talking about seizing a day. i’m talking about seizing a life. you get one chance to live your divine purpose…well, one that we know of anyway. i hope one day, my few readers here, and the ones who’ve pushed and encouraged me all these years, will fondly remember reading my baby steps. (and man, i hope that my walking legs come soon). i imagine the day when i will run with purpose along a path meant for me. i don’t care if i fall a hundred times along the way…bruises, scrapes and all, i will be smiling and getting back up to run again. i’ve proven to myself that i will stay in the race and find joy in it. oh, wait…didn’t i just write a few days ago about how much i hate running? that brings up another funny thing i noticed about running in real life…i’ve never minded running in the context of a sport i like to play or an outing that excites me. i might suck some wind, but i hardly notice the running part as i chase soccer, tennis or racquetballs, or sprint to the line for a rollercoaster or water slide. and so it is when you chase your dreams…suddenly what appears to be “work” doesn’t feel like “work.”  i feel that difference even now when i teach classes as one of my (yawn) regular job duties. actually training people, being in front of them joking, teaching and helping, is rewarding enough that it’s kept me solvent and happy for over a decade.

but now i want something new, something close to my heart and that’s been too scary for me to try for fear of failure. now i want what i’ve dreamed of my entire life, since the tender age of 14 or maybe younger, when i heard for the first time from a beloved teacher, “you are a really good writer.” it took a while to let that sink in. really? huh. after that i spent my secondary education as a wallflower student, thinking no one noticed me, thinking no teachers would remember me…but they consistently noticed one thing…i could write.  so, after 25 years of dabbling and hiding, i’m ready to put my heart out there. i’m ready to tell the world that i can write, instead of asking for permission. i’m ready to make a life from it, because the world needs good writers, despite how many there seem to be. because i’m ready to stop hiding my heart and talents behind walls of security and benefits packages.

at some point, if you have a fire, if you have a dream that you just can’t shake loose…you’ve got to accept it and reach out to find a way to live your divine purpose. i’m working harder with Faith right now than i ever thought i could. i’ve got my “don’t look down” face on and though it’s terrifying to float in mid-air like this, the determined trish in my heart is yelling the loudest words of encouragement, joy and anticipation, loud enough to drown the voices of doubt. and it’s important to realize that most of us can’t grab hold of our dreams without help. my teacher and mentor told me yesterday that one of my strengths is being able to seek help. ha, really? when did i build that muscle? when i had no other choice…when i was so weak i couldn’t have survived without help. now i’m strong enough to seek and give at the same time. that’s the energy and power that comes from the fire in your heart…the fire you feel when you realize that you are stronger and more passionate than you realized, more compassionate than you thought you could be.

practice makes perfect imperfection. don’t be afraid to suck. just do. it feels good anyway…trust me, have some Faith.

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consequently karmic

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i don’t hear people use the word “consequence” to describe the results of anything good. maybe i’m missing it in conversation, but it seems to be one of those words that appears only in the same context as “discipline” and “learning your lessons,” usually mentioned in my internal dialog by deep-voiced authority figures…ones like the fake voices i sometimes use when reading to my little girl. as for me, i’ve seen consequences fall like burning rocks of lava from my sky for quite a while now…a shitstorm of consequences that burned and hurt and scarred, resulting from the actions of myself and another…Consequences of Doom that were volcanic, cataclysmic and explosive. i’ve also seen how important it is for every person to experience the natural consequences of their actions, doomy, gloomy or glorious.

consequences are merely outcomes…the natural outcomes of actions taken or not taken sometime earlier. they can feel awful, okay or even great…but the consequences themselves just are. i lollygagged through my day yesterday, fearing the unknown, imminent, unfortunate consequences that surely were looming behind my next whine or moment of procrastination. as i furrowed my brow through an all day recrimination festival, it dawned on me that the goodness in my life is also a consequence, or an enchanting collection of consequences, from a few things i must be doing right. it’s important to realize that consequences are your teachers, not punishments, not rewards. they teach us how to navigate choices, read people and relationships and keep our momentum when we catch a nice wave.

when things are this good in my life, i find myself searching for the mistake(s) i’ve made in the past or am about to make that will bring down with a crash all of the happiness and strength that i’ve built and enjoyed recently…bring it crashing down around my soft head and wide, exposed eyes of wonder. that search for doubt and impending despair is a product of fear, a little emotional luggage i suppose, and a sense that no one can really stay this happy…that i might not deserve it, that no one does…that someone or something will come along to suck the wind and enthusiasm right out of my chest.

but as flawed and messy as my life and soul can be, i’ve done a lot of things right. i Love with all my passion and heart. i protect human dignity and living things with every advantage i’ve been given, employing all of my strength, compassion and wit. i forgive myself for my flaws and laugh heartily at them, while celebrating those of others as the imperfections that make this Universe an eternal, delightful, forgiving playground. that’s gotta be worth something, right? i do it all because it feels good…but i have to acknowledge that my active Love in this world also brings consequences.

i’ve heard that karma is a bitch. that sounds kind of judgmental to me. i’m thinking that those who say it often probably experience the bitchier side of karma more than some. me?  i like karma. we get along just fine, even if we are both feeling a little bitchy. (then again, i typically love and play well with “insufferables,” i’m a a little weird that way). it’s important to remember that karma (or whatever spiritual/cosmic equivalent fits better for you in this context)  is also responsible for the delivery of Love and joy and fulfillment…not to the perfect, but to those who put out the effort to live hard, be kind, stay open and have faith. karma has no judgement. karma is consequences. take a look at your consequences sometime…the way you see them is the way you see your life. what you learn from them will be your life.

my blackberry just buzzed and since i’m expecting the call, i have to assume that it’s karma, wondering why the hell i’m so late to work. so i gotta run (or meander)…the Consequences are all there waiting for me and i really don’t want to piss them off.