Tag Archives: purpose

desirous of everything at the same time

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with a nod to jack k in the title of this post, i’ll start the whole thing off with another quote, author unknown:

“Sometimes the heart does what it wants; without asking the mind.”

my daughter is in her crib sleep-muttering “i want more….i want more.” oh, honey, i hear ya…and i’m here to tell you, it never stops. i’m fairly certain she is talking about candy from last night’s hallowed adventures. she’ll want more of that until she’s gumming every piece. and she wants a “grankey toooo….” (toddler for “blanket” – the companion kind, small format, like a baby polio-blanket). low-hangin’ fruit for a mom. pretty easy heart desires to fulfill).

i want more too. and better. and a blanket. and most of my wants are at best vagueries unavailable by delivery or moms.

i want better health…but i don’t want to do much about it except wait for the shiny god doctors to heal me, no matter how much i know it’s up to me. it’s not as though i’m sick despite a healthy diet, regular exercise or stress-relieving meditation.

i want more business…but i’ve barely begun and can only wish for the gift gods to hand it to me without proper development, work, success and failure.

i want better security…right now. i want my business to take off and take over my income so i can stop sweating what will happen to me now that the most secure job i’ve ever had is hitting some shoals.  i want to be independent and successful enough in the next two days or two months to never worry what happens there. i want it to happen to me without me working too hard…mostly at guess work.

i want more time...to feel like i can do more than catch up, spend more time with my daughter and dog, more time giving back. i want it now, magically…the removal of some huge responsibility so i can have that mythical “free time” that we always fill with something else, many times with things outside of our intended focus.

i want more tattoos…those i’m willing to wait, work for and sit through.

other than that, i feel i have enough. enough love, enough caring friends, enough light and sense of purpose. i have enough inspiration and support. i have enough fulfillment from my child, my relationships and the goals i’m plodding toward. i have so much bounty and so many blessings. thanks to the abundance of all those things, i have the capacity to get what i want…though not at the pace and ease that seems coolest to me (instant!)…all of the things above are achievable if my heart and attitude stay in the right place at least most of the time.

i will always want more. i’m a driven person. i don’t want more “stuff,” i’m well past that demon…but i want to keep striving and giving, achieving and passing on the favors and support i get along the way. sounds noble right? (not to be confused with the nobel i would like to collect one day – oooh, there’s some ego, not exactly an altruistic goal)…but that noble desire is honest. i can tell because no matter what excuses my demons make, my heart is plugging away at those wants, filled with lots of love and gratitude. my heart is doing the work where my mind feels lazy and wants things to happen not develop.

my heart has been working for my best interest, noticeably, since my world exploded a couple of years ago. i’ve become very impressed with my heart…especially the way it takes the initiative, whether popular or not at the demons’ cool kids lunchtable. it doesn’t care if they make fun of it, or ignore it, or talk over it. it’s on a mission.

the truth is, i still think of myself as lazy. anyone other achievers have that problem? i literally have to write things down in order to believe i could have done them. try it sometime when you feel like your progress is flagging. my heart has accomplished so much more than my mind will ever allow it to take credit for. besides, those demons will still be lamenting about the glory days, long after my heart has conquered my imperfect world.

cheers. love yourself. we are all saints today. namaste.

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running down a dream…sucking wind and smiling

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i’m getting a late start this morning on my post, not for lack of enthusiasm or words, but because writing something that fulfills me every day is not yet my full time job…emphasis on “yet.” i am walking a narrow wall of faith right now believing in myself and in others’ belief in me. i must stay convinced that one day soon i will find fruition, that my 25 year old dreams and fantasies were not planted in my mind to torture me, but to call me.

following your dreams is scary. i do a lot of practical things well, so why not just do those? predictable, steady, secure…or so it seems. what is secure anymore? is there anything we can count on in these turbulent times? has there ever been anything we could really count on besides ourselves? hell, we even let ourselves down often enough to question our fortitude and dependability. all i really know is that if i am fortunate to wake up on any given day, i will breathe, and i will care for my daughter…beyond that i make no promises but to approach the challenges and victories of the day with kindness and Love. security is an illusion, especially when it remains at the mercy of your boss or some anonymous shareholders…shareholders who don’t know you as a person, and who see their fortunes rise and fall with every expenditure your company makes.  security is an illusion…cataclysmic events can come at anytime…cosmic events, personal developments. here i am, back to that tired “carpe diem” concept, oh captain my ho-hum captain.

but i’m not talking about seizing a day. i’m talking about seizing a life. you get one chance to live your divine purpose…well, one that we know of anyway. i hope one day, my few readers here, and the ones who’ve pushed and encouraged me all these years, will fondly remember reading my baby steps. (and man, i hope that my walking legs come soon). i imagine the day when i will run with purpose along a path meant for me. i don’t care if i fall a hundred times along the way…bruises, scrapes and all, i will be smiling and getting back up to run again. i’ve proven to myself that i will stay in the race and find joy in it. oh, wait…didn’t i just write a few days ago about how much i hate running? that brings up another funny thing i noticed about running in real life…i’ve never minded running in the context of a sport i like to play or an outing that excites me. i might suck some wind, but i hardly notice the running part as i chase soccer, tennis or racquetballs, or sprint to the line for a rollercoaster or water slide. and so it is when you chase your dreams…suddenly what appears to be “work” doesn’t feel like “work.”  i feel that difference even now when i teach classes as one of my (yawn) regular job duties. actually training people, being in front of them joking, teaching and helping, is rewarding enough that it’s kept me solvent and happy for over a decade.

but now i want something new, something close to my heart and that’s been too scary for me to try for fear of failure. now i want what i’ve dreamed of my entire life, since the tender age of 14 or maybe younger, when i heard for the first time from a beloved teacher, “you are a really good writer.” it took a while to let that sink in. really? huh. after that i spent my secondary education as a wallflower student, thinking no one noticed me, thinking no teachers would remember me…but they consistently noticed one thing…i could write.  so, after 25 years of dabbling and hiding, i’m ready to put my heart out there. i’m ready to tell the world that i can write, instead of asking for permission. i’m ready to make a life from it, because the world needs good writers, despite how many there seem to be. because i’m ready to stop hiding my heart and talents behind walls of security and benefits packages.

at some point, if you have a fire, if you have a dream that you just can’t shake loose…you’ve got to accept it and reach out to find a way to live your divine purpose. i’m working harder with Faith right now than i ever thought i could. i’ve got my “don’t look down” face on and though it’s terrifying to float in mid-air like this, the determined trish in my heart is yelling the loudest words of encouragement, joy and anticipation, loud enough to drown the voices of doubt. and it’s important to realize that most of us can’t grab hold of our dreams without help. my teacher and mentor told me yesterday that one of my strengths is being able to seek help. ha, really? when did i build that muscle? when i had no other choice…when i was so weak i couldn’t have survived without help. now i’m strong enough to seek and give at the same time. that’s the energy and power that comes from the fire in your heart…the fire you feel when you realize that you are stronger and more passionate than you realized, more compassionate than you thought you could be.

practice makes perfect imperfection. don’t be afraid to suck. just do. it feels good anyway…trust me, have some Faith.