Tag Archives: heart

desirous of everything at the same time

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with a nod to jack k in the title of this post, i’ll start the whole thing off with another quote, author unknown:

“Sometimes the heart does what it wants; without asking the mind.”

my daughter is in her crib sleep-muttering “i want more….i want more.” oh, honey, i hear ya…and i’m here to tell you, it never stops. i’m fairly certain she is talking about candy from last night’s hallowed adventures. she’ll want more of that until she’s gumming every piece. and she wants a “grankey toooo….” (toddler for “blanket” – the companion kind, small format, like a baby polio-blanket). low-hangin’ fruit for a mom. pretty easy heart desires to fulfill).

i want more too. and better. and a blanket. and most of my wants are at best vagueries unavailable by delivery or moms.

i want better health…but i don’t want to do much about it except wait for the shiny god doctors to heal me, no matter how much i know it’s up to me. it’s not as though i’m sick despite a healthy diet, regular exercise or stress-relieving meditation.

i want more business…but i’ve barely begun and can only wish for the gift gods to hand it to me without proper development, work, success and failure.

i want better security…right now. i want my business to take off and take over my income so i can stop sweating what will happen to me now that the most secure job i’ve ever had is hitting some shoals.  i want to be independent and successful enough in the next two days or two months to never worry what happens there. i want it to happen to me without me working too hard…mostly at guess work.

i want more time...to feel like i can do more than catch up, spend more time with my daughter and dog, more time giving back. i want it now, magically…the removal of some huge responsibility so i can have that mythical “free time” that we always fill with something else, many times with things outside of our intended focus.

i want more tattoos…those i’m willing to wait, work for and sit through.

other than that, i feel i have enough. enough love, enough caring friends, enough light and sense of purpose. i have enough inspiration and support. i have enough fulfillment from my child, my relationships and the goals i’m plodding toward. i have so much bounty and so many blessings. thanks to the abundance of all those things, i have the capacity to get what i want…though not at the pace and ease that seems coolest to me (instant!)…all of the things above are achievable if my heart and attitude stay in the right place at least most of the time.

i will always want more. i’m a driven person. i don’t want more “stuff,” i’m well past that demon…but i want to keep striving and giving, achieving and passing on the favors and support i get along the way. sounds noble right? (not to be confused with the nobel i would like to collect one day – oooh, there’s some ego, not exactly an altruistic goal)…but that noble desire is honest. i can tell because no matter what excuses my demons make, my heart is plugging away at those wants, filled with lots of love and gratitude. my heart is doing the work where my mind feels lazy and wants things to happen not develop.

my heart has been working for my best interest, noticeably, since my world exploded a couple of years ago. i’ve become very impressed with my heart…especially the way it takes the initiative, whether popular or not at the demons’ cool kids lunchtable. it doesn’t care if they make fun of it, or ignore it, or talk over it. it’s on a mission.

the truth is, i still think of myself as lazy. anyone other achievers have that problem? i literally have to write things down in order to believe i could have done them. try it sometime when you feel like your progress is flagging. my heart has accomplished so much more than my mind will ever allow it to take credit for. besides, those demons will still be lamenting about the glory days, long after my heart has conquered my imperfect world.

cheers. love yourself. we are all saints today. namaste.

illuminated

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i’m finding little bits of beauty in every sound and the spaces between them…every view, eyes closed or open…every feeling, of terror or joy or sorrow. i’m stumbling through icy mountains of velvety dreams, slipping and sliding and barking shins along an exhilarating path. my journey has no destination now, except for each next step. i’m looking around in the day at hand, darting toward flowers, inspecting the peculiar and the new, feeling my skin in today’s sun, examining clouds in today’s sky, hearing Love in the beat of today’s heart. i highly recommend it.

this feels like a high, except that within it i feel deeply, and even celebrate, the lows, making me wonder and hope that feelings of enlightenment need not be so transient as they have in my life leading up to these days. some memory, some embers of my awakenings always glow, even if dimly, even in the longest, darkest tea-times of my soul. somewhere in the darkest of those darks, i will feel the spark of my compassion and dignity and Love. some air, from fresh and compassionate, passionate breaths will fan and feed it until the spark flames into something warming. and right now i’m stretching my soul after all of the fresh breaths of friends and family have melted the snow and ice that froze and preserved “me” and my Love until i was ready to express them again.

the resilience of light is intrinsic and sparkles with glory. light seeps through every crack, every seam, every pinhole in the protective walls of dark we sometimes build around our hearts and lives. it desperately wants in and will illuminate all it can in the face of best efforts to contain it. it glows within dark chambers, suggesting its presence like a present, wrapped and waiting for the special day designed for its unveiling. light is Love…it is inescapable…it finds you and wraps life in a blanket of purpose.  i am warm now, and seated firmly in Love. my life sparkles with possibilities…enough to share…enough to cast light and illuminate the shadows for anyone who crosses or joins me on this trail of laughter and tears.

anyone with pure intentions or the need for soft company is welcome…..