Tag Archives: love

desirous of everything at the same time

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with a nod to jack k in the title of this post, i’ll start the whole thing off with another quote, author unknown:

“Sometimes the heart does what it wants; without asking the mind.”

my daughter is in her crib sleep-muttering “i want more….i want more.” oh, honey, i hear ya…and i’m here to tell you, it never stops. i’m fairly certain she is talking about candy from last night’s hallowed adventures. she’ll want more of that until she’s gumming every piece. and she wants a “grankey toooo….” (toddler for “blanket” – the companion kind, small format, like a baby polio-blanket). low-hangin’ fruit for a mom. pretty easy heart desires to fulfill).

i want more too. and better. and a blanket. and most of my wants are at best vagueries unavailable by delivery or moms.

i want better health…but i don’t want to do much about it except wait for the shiny god doctors to heal me, no matter how much i know it’s up to me. it’s not as though i’m sick despite a healthy diet, regular exercise or stress-relieving meditation.

i want more business…but i’ve barely begun and can only wish for the gift gods to hand it to me without proper development, work, success and failure.

i want better security…right now. i want my business to take off and take over my income so i can stop sweating what will happen to me now that the most secure job i’ve ever had is hitting some shoals.  i want to be independent and successful enough in the next two days or two months to never worry what happens there. i want it to happen to me without me working too hard…mostly at guess work.

i want more time...to feel like i can do more than catch up, spend more time with my daughter and dog, more time giving back. i want it now, magically…the removal of some huge responsibility so i can have that mythical “free time” that we always fill with something else, many times with things outside of our intended focus.

i want more tattoos…those i’m willing to wait, work for and sit through.

other than that, i feel i have enough. enough love, enough caring friends, enough light and sense of purpose. i have enough inspiration and support. i have enough fulfillment from my child, my relationships and the goals i’m plodding toward. i have so much bounty and so many blessings. thanks to the abundance of all those things, i have the capacity to get what i want…though not at the pace and ease that seems coolest to me (instant!)…all of the things above are achievable if my heart and attitude stay in the right place at least most of the time.

i will always want more. i’m a driven person. i don’t want more “stuff,” i’m well past that demon…but i want to keep striving and giving, achieving and passing on the favors and support i get along the way. sounds noble right? (not to be confused with the nobel i would like to collect one day – oooh, there’s some ego, not exactly an altruistic goal)…but that noble desire is honest. i can tell because no matter what excuses my demons make, my heart is plugging away at those wants, filled with lots of love and gratitude. my heart is doing the work where my mind feels lazy and wants things to happen not develop.

my heart has been working for my best interest, noticeably, since my world exploded a couple of years ago. i’ve become very impressed with my heart…especially the way it takes the initiative, whether popular or not at the demons’ cool kids lunchtable. it doesn’t care if they make fun of it, or ignore it, or talk over it. it’s on a mission.

the truth is, i still think of myself as lazy. anyone other achievers have that problem? i literally have to write things down in order to believe i could have done them. try it sometime when you feel like your progress is flagging. my heart has accomplished so much more than my mind will ever allow it to take credit for. besides, those demons will still be lamenting about the glory days, long after my heart has conquered my imperfect world.

cheers. love yourself. we are all saints today. namaste.

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universally diverse…Mother Nature is my favorite weirdo

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i hesitate to broach such an emotional topic, but  i’ve been poked from a couple of directions these last days by thoughts about diversity. i live in a big bowl of it here in the DC metro, diverse people, foods, shopping, cars, financial positions, attitudes and careers. i’ve lived here longer now than any other place in my 39 year-old life, a whopping eight years. in the last ten, i have lived in five different domiciles here, in different suburbs, punctuated in the middle by an 18-month sojourn in New Jersey…right at the now infamous “shuah” (translation, “shore”). in other words, i’ve done very little “settling down.”

right now i live in a predominately Korean suburb. my neighbors to the left are Ethiopian. my neighbors to the right, Louisianan (ask a yankee who’s been there if Louisianans should be included in diversity numbers), and most of the rest of them are Caucasian retirees. my two year-old daughter has been exposed already to four different languages, and some hybrids i’m still wrapping my brain around (Dora in Arabic? what’s Arabic for Spanish?). she learned heavily accented English and some Urdu first from her Pakistani daycare provider. i love that woman…she provided stability, love and a comforting ear during a rough mommy year. she watched my world fall apart, never judged me, and marveled that i spoke candidly with her, brought her flowers and gifts, and was genuinely curious about and appreciative of her perspectives on culture and of her experiences, both in Pakistan and the US. i marveled when she told me that i was the first American parent who had ever bothered to get to know her…the co-provider of care for my precious, tiny, learning baby.

when i moved from one ‘burb to another, into the Korean neighborhood where I now rent a cute little townhouse from a cute, loaded landlord (loaded with cash, not booze…though who knows?), i had to find a new daycare provider for my littlebean. i found her more than that. besides her warm and amazing teacher, she now has a third “grandpa” (Sido in Arabic), and a whole loving family to help man the village i require to care for a toddler while i work, Love and live. there she’s learned to love Halal food made with special products shipped directly from relatives in Jerusalem and Jordan. i’ve also come to love ms. tima’s home cooking…since the dear woman hands me a hot plate of something fresh at least two nights a week. ms. tima and all her relatives are Palestinians from Jerusalem. i embarrass myself privately sometimes by saying “Pakistani” when i mean “Palestinian” and “Palestinian” when i mean “Pakistani.” they are far from interchangeable…very, very far.

all around me, languages and alphabets overlap. all of my life the diversity of the US has enraptured me. i went to a university in the deep south without much diversity. our relationship with what we did have was pained at best. i see now in alumni magazine snapshots that diversity is growing there, if not slowly. (i also find it rather poetic that we teach something called “diversity” at a place called a “university.”) i’ve soaked up new cultures in New York City and the DC area, and seen tolerance foiled by the fear and homogeneity of many towns in the midwest and all over the “dirty south.” (i can call it that, i lived there and still have the t-shirt and accent to prove it).  i’ve met great people in every place i’ve ever lived or visited. i’ve found that the diversity of opinions and attitudes all over this country are like fertilizer for the progress and ideas that seem to make us unique.

i read an article yesterday, written by a Native American writer and celebrator of diversity, where he called on those of us who write to be cultural bridges spanning and linking the world’s and our country’s many peoples and ideas. (http://oscarhokeah.wordpress.com/2011/08/08/cultural-bridges-builders-weavers-architects/). i love Oscar’s perspective and felt his mission hit me right in my wheelhouse. diversity is the natural state of things…fully embraced and necessary. we work as a global community to explore and preserve it all over the planet, even as Mother Nature herself continues to mutate to support growth and survival. and we all know that mutts are generally healthier and better adjusted than purebreds. (i’m talking dogs, not people, although….) my point is that fighting against diversity is about as futile and counterproductive a fight as any there is. each of us has a choice to spend that energy differently…to use it to study the world and spread Love, to learn and experience all of the things that unify a wildly varied human species…to Love unconditionally our fellow humans as if it were our calling.

consequently karmic

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i don’t hear people use the word “consequence” to describe the results of anything good. maybe i’m missing it in conversation, but it seems to be one of those words that appears only in the same context as “discipline” and “learning your lessons,” usually mentioned in my internal dialog by deep-voiced authority figures…ones like the fake voices i sometimes use when reading to my little girl. as for me, i’ve seen consequences fall like burning rocks of lava from my sky for quite a while now…a shitstorm of consequences that burned and hurt and scarred, resulting from the actions of myself and another…Consequences of Doom that were volcanic, cataclysmic and explosive. i’ve also seen how important it is for every person to experience the natural consequences of their actions, doomy, gloomy or glorious.

consequences are merely outcomes…the natural outcomes of actions taken or not taken sometime earlier. they can feel awful, okay or even great…but the consequences themselves just are. i lollygagged through my day yesterday, fearing the unknown, imminent, unfortunate consequences that surely were looming behind my next whine or moment of procrastination. as i furrowed my brow through an all day recrimination festival, it dawned on me that the goodness in my life is also a consequence, or an enchanting collection of consequences, from a few things i must be doing right. it’s important to realize that consequences are your teachers, not punishments, not rewards. they teach us how to navigate choices, read people and relationships and keep our momentum when we catch a nice wave.

when things are this good in my life, i find myself searching for the mistake(s) i’ve made in the past or am about to make that will bring down with a crash all of the happiness and strength that i’ve built and enjoyed recently…bring it crashing down around my soft head and wide, exposed eyes of wonder. that search for doubt and impending despair is a product of fear, a little emotional luggage i suppose, and a sense that no one can really stay this happy…that i might not deserve it, that no one does…that someone or something will come along to suck the wind and enthusiasm right out of my chest.

but as flawed and messy as my life and soul can be, i’ve done a lot of things right. i Love with all my passion and heart. i protect human dignity and living things with every advantage i’ve been given, employing all of my strength, compassion and wit. i forgive myself for my flaws and laugh heartily at them, while celebrating those of others as the imperfections that make this Universe an eternal, delightful, forgiving playground. that’s gotta be worth something, right? i do it all because it feels good…but i have to acknowledge that my active Love in this world also brings consequences.

i’ve heard that karma is a bitch. that sounds kind of judgmental to me. i’m thinking that those who say it often probably experience the bitchier side of karma more than some. me?  i like karma. we get along just fine, even if we are both feeling a little bitchy. (then again, i typically love and play well with “insufferables,” i’m a a little weird that way). it’s important to remember that karma (or whatever spiritual/cosmic equivalent fits better for you in this context)  is also responsible for the delivery of Love and joy and fulfillment…not to the perfect, but to those who put out the effort to live hard, be kind, stay open and have faith. karma has no judgement. karma is consequences. take a look at your consequences sometime…the way you see them is the way you see your life. what you learn from them will be your life.

my blackberry just buzzed and since i’m expecting the call, i have to assume that it’s karma, wondering why the hell i’m so late to work. so i gotta run (or meander)…the Consequences are all there waiting for me and i really don’t want to piss them off.

illuminated

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i’m finding little bits of beauty in every sound and the spaces between them…every view, eyes closed or open…every feeling, of terror or joy or sorrow. i’m stumbling through icy mountains of velvety dreams, slipping and sliding and barking shins along an exhilarating path. my journey has no destination now, except for each next step. i’m looking around in the day at hand, darting toward flowers, inspecting the peculiar and the new, feeling my skin in today’s sun, examining clouds in today’s sky, hearing Love in the beat of today’s heart. i highly recommend it.

this feels like a high, except that within it i feel deeply, and even celebrate, the lows, making me wonder and hope that feelings of enlightenment need not be so transient as they have in my life leading up to these days. some memory, some embers of my awakenings always glow, even if dimly, even in the longest, darkest tea-times of my soul. somewhere in the darkest of those darks, i will feel the spark of my compassion and dignity and Love. some air, from fresh and compassionate, passionate breaths will fan and feed it until the spark flames into something warming. and right now i’m stretching my soul after all of the fresh breaths of friends and family have melted the snow and ice that froze and preserved “me” and my Love until i was ready to express them again.

the resilience of light is intrinsic and sparkles with glory. light seeps through every crack, every seam, every pinhole in the protective walls of dark we sometimes build around our hearts and lives. it desperately wants in and will illuminate all it can in the face of best efforts to contain it. it glows within dark chambers, suggesting its presence like a present, wrapped and waiting for the special day designed for its unveiling. light is Love…it is inescapable…it finds you and wraps life in a blanket of purpose.  i am warm now, and seated firmly in Love. my life sparkles with possibilities…enough to share…enough to cast light and illuminate the shadows for anyone who crosses or joins me on this trail of laughter and tears.

anyone with pure intentions or the need for soft company is welcome…..